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The other day I was able to sit and review my worship set from this weekend’s service. I learned a few things. One is that I need to reevaluate my key selection and perhaps sing with in my range but there was something bigger than that. But to get there let me back track a bit.
I have tendonitis in my left hand. This causes my hand to go numb when I play guitar for extended periods of time. For the past few years I’ve kind of just pushed through it, worn a brace, and iced it after service. Recently I took up playing keys. This has been beneficial to my growth as a musician an worship leader and allowed me to avoid the pain associated with my arm. However I’m still rather clumsy with that instrument and can’t do it blindfolded as I can the guitar. I didn’t realize what effect this had until last week when I lead from guitar for the first time in a couple of months. (I’m getting to my point here soon I promise) I reviewed this weeks set and thought “wow people seem to be really engaged and worshiping this week!” and just then it hit me. People were able to worship because I was worshiping. I wasn’t worried about where my hands went or trying to correct my posture or trying to figure out which finger positioning to use for each chord. No I wasn’t even thinking about playing! So now I’ve come to a point where I need to figure our where to go next. Do I continue to lead from keys and get better at it so I can eventually do it with my eyes closed but sacrifice some my ability to worship while leading? Or do I deal with the pain that leading with guitar brings and be able to worship more freely?
A recent blog post from a friend brought this to mind. I always think on things in my past and it feels like I’m going through someone else’s attic and looking at their treasure and not my own. I’m not saying I don’t feel any connection to my past but it has been boxed up and put away.
I’ve had some struggles in my life. I’m sure some have struggled more and some less than I but they are my burdens none the less. But when I think back on my life. When I remember things from childhood, high school, college, and beyond it almost feels as though I’m looking through a glass. Like watching reruns of Seinfeld. I feel empathy for this past version of me but at the same time I feel disconnected. If memories are what make us who we are, does that make me a disconnected person? Do I exist only at this point in time?
There are certain memories that I do have the I feel like they are put into a box and kept in the far back part of storage. Things I’d rather not remember and when those are unleashed it feels like a bomb goes off and I remember every bad thing that has ever happened to me in great detail. But the same isn’t true of the good memories. When something triggers a good memory it fizzles out and that’s the end of it. Usually hazy and less than spectacular.
I don’t really have a point to all this but I figured I would share it with you all. A little bit of what goes on in my brain…
Alright. It’s been far too long since I’ve been on here. As part of my resolution I’d like to make sure I update more frequently. I find writing gets the cobwebs out of my brain a little. I know I’ve said that in the past an always seem to slack but I figure if I put it out there maybe someone will hold me accountable. So lets see how it goes this time!
His 4:30 alarm sounded but he had already been awake for hours. He wasn’t even sure he had slept that night. Not that anyone would have held that against him considering what was going on. That is if they had any idea. He lethargically rolled over to silence the annoying buzz with the realization that laying in the bed would not delay the inevitable. With a groan he slowly raised himself up. His feet touched the cold hardwood floor which sent a shiver up his spine which he could not control. As his feet became accustomed to the temperature he began to stand. His joints ached. The previous day’s activities had taken a toll on his body. The bathroom that was only just a few feet away may as well have been miles. With each step he was reminded of the pain he was in.
He began his morning routine as if it were any other day. As he adjusted the temperature of the shower he winced in pain. He never could seem to remember the shower starts at scolding hot before cooling off. Brushing his teeth while waiting for the shower to adjust he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Wiping away the condensation to get a closer look he was astounded but what he saw. This was not the man he was. His features had hardened, lines more pronounced, and his hair was more salt and pepper than it was black. Over the last few months he hadn’t had much time for vanity. He began to wonder what it was that aged him so quickly. Perhaps it was the planning, the studying, or the burden of knowledge. Or was it the fight against fate. The struggle to, against all hope, not accept what was to happen.
Looking out the window the world looked very different but at the same time familiar. The dark and cold shadowed the things he would easily recognize during the day. The small circles of light form the lamps above offered brief pictures into normality. Hopping into the shower gave him a slight shock. Although it had cooled off it was still much warmer than the air outside. For a few moments he stood there. Letting the shower warm him and rinse away some of the fear. He enjoyed the feeling of the water flowing over his body. While he began to relax he realize how little sleep he had actually gotten the night before and regretted not taking the pills the doctor prescribed. Immediately he turned he temperature down even further in hopes the cold water would awaken him but I was to no avail.
Stepping out of the shower he gabbed for his favorite towel. It was oddly comforting. Was it the familiar texture or the feeling of saying good bye to an old friend? Either way he tossed it onto the floor as he had always done. He finished his morning routine and sat down for a cup of coffee. The bitter warm was a welcomed feeling, helping to overcome the fatigue. He opened his paper. “No mention of it,” he thought. And why would there be? No one else knew, and no one else cared. Tossing the paper aside he took the last gulp of coffee before walking out the door. Perhaps for the last time.
I am going to begin to take this blog on a journey. I don’t know where it will lead but I hope you’ll enjoy the ride. I can’ guarantee the updates will be as consistent as the once were but I hope they will be entertaining none the less.
I’m going to share with you a journey I am creating for a character. I don’t have any plans, or end points as of yet but I think that’s half the fun.
If you have any feed back as I share please let me know. I’d like to be able to put the whole thing together a one point. I’ll be posting the first portion in the next day or so.
Thanks for reading!
I’m working on something new. I hope to have something for you soon. Stay tuned!