The other day I was able to sit and review my worship set from this weekend’s service. I learned a few things. One is that I need to reevaluate my key selection and perhaps sing with in my range but there was something bigger than that. But to get there let me back track a bit.
I have tendonitis in my left hand. This causes my hand to go numb when I play guitar for extended periods of time. For the past few years I’ve kind of just pushed through it, worn a brace, and iced it after service. Recently I took up playing keys. This has been beneficial to my growth as a musician an worship leader and allowed me to avoid the pain associated with my arm. However I’m still rather clumsy with that instrument and can’t do it blindfolded as I can the guitar. I didn’t realize what effect this had until last week when I lead from guitar for the first time in a couple of months. (I’m getting to my point here soon I promise) I reviewed this weeks set and thought “wow people seem to be really engaged and worshiping this week!” and just then it hit me. People were able to worship because I was worshiping. I wasn’t worried about where my hands went or trying to correct my posture or trying to figure out which finger positioning to use for each chord. No I wasn’t even thinking about playing! So now I’ve come to a point where I need to figure our where to go next. Do I continue to lead from keys and get better at it so I can eventually do it with my eyes closed but sacrifice some my ability to worship while leading? Or do I deal with the pain that leading with guitar brings and be able to worship more freely?
A recent blog post from a friend brought this to mind. I always think on things in my past and it feels like I’m going through someone else’s attic and looking at their treasure and not my own. I’m not saying I don’t feel any connection to my past but it has been boxed up and put away.
I’ve had some struggles in my life. I’m sure some have struggled more and some less than I but they are my burdens none the less. But when I think back on my life. When I remember things from childhood, high school, college, and beyond it almost feels as though I’m looking through a glass. Like watching reruns of Seinfeld. I feel empathy for this past version of me but at the same time I feel disconnected. If memories are what make us who we are, does that make me a disconnected person? Do I exist only at this point in time?
There are certain memories that I do have the I feel like they are put into a box and kept in the far back part of storage. Things I’d rather not remember and when those are unleashed it feels like a bomb goes off and I remember every bad thing that has ever happened to me in great detail. But the same isn’t true of the good memories. When something triggers a good memory it fizzles out and that’s the end of it. Usually hazy and less than spectacular.
I don’t really have a point to all this but I figured I would share it with you all. A little bit of what goes on in my brain…
Alright. It’s been far too long since I’ve been on here. As part of my resolution I’d like to make sure I update more frequently. I find writing gets the cobwebs out of my brain a little. I know I’ve said that in the past an always seem to slack but I figure if I put it out there maybe someone will hold me accountable. So lets see how it goes this time!